Doll Obsession: Fear As Desire

   When I was little I hated dolls. Hated them! I was so afraid they had cameras in their eyes watching everything I did and when I wasn’t around, I believed they would talk about everything they had seen. Not that they would have seen much except for an only child talking to herself and dressing up her rambunctious Yorkie best friend, Courtney.

   Someone had to put an end to those creepy spy dolls and that someone was going to be me. I was that strange kid who ripped the heads off of her Barbies and kept them away. Hidden. And for some reason, whatever that may be, my family would always send dolls for birthdays and holidays without a care about my phobia of the mini plastic humans.

“I still refuse to be near dolls.
They still creep me out.”

   You would think that it is all behind me now, you know, now that I am a grown woman and all, but I assure you that it has only switched to an obsession. I still refuse to be near dolls. They still creep me out. Only now I am fascinated by ‘haunted dolls’ (Dolls with entities in them), doll features and of course, the one thing that all dolls are: perfection.

   Here I am, nervous as shit about these still life toys, yet I apply their image to my makeup on a daily basis. I always want doll eyes. Eyes so large and wondrous and filled with questions. So I study the makeup and try to make it real on myself. It’s funny how these objects that I was so adamit about destroying have now become an obsession. With this obsession, it is only natural that I assign the third edition of FashionDecode as “dolls” but of course, I had to expand on that. I had to find the things that make me linger on the subject, and how to become as perfect as these dolls that I believe to be alive. That is why this issue is about the progressive path to become doll like.